Friday, February 22, 2008

Spider Detente

(Spoiler: Moderate gross factor. Proceed at your own peril.)

I don’t like spiders.

Intellectually, I understand how useful they are and, somewhat more vaguely, why etymologists get so wiggly about them, but that doesn’t stop the rush of fear based adrenaline that I feel when ever I see one. (Garg!) See, I used to have really scary dreams about spiders. I don’t want to freak anyone out, so I won’t mention that they had largely to do with spiders laying eggs in my eyeballs.

Oh… sorry.

But I have come a long way. Back in the day, I would frantically call to whomever was in earshot and command/beg them to dispose of the offending beast BY. ANY. MEANS. NECESSARY. But then came that pesky Buddhist thing about not harming other creatures, blah blah blah.

So the spider world and I came to an uneasy détente. I stopped commanding their destruction and they continued to be utterly unaware of my existence… Except in those little spider meetings where they talk about where to put the egg sack and all of that. Then I was prime real estate.

So I was hugely impressed with myself for living peacefully alongside a particularly creepy looking spider that took up residence in my bathroom. He (I say ‘he’ despite having no idea or desire to know what spider boy parts look like, but just because I thought it looked like a he. Look, I don’t know. OK?)… HE settled into a high corner of the slanted ceiling where it seemed unlikely that any spider molecules would fall on my toothbrush or anything, so I thought, “Fine. You just be sure to eat any skeeters if you see ‘em and you can stay.”

By the third day, I was feeling a little benevolence toward my eight legged buddy. I found myself looking for him each time I went into the bathroom – and not in an “is it going to bad-touch me” kind of way either. We were coexisting. Beautiful. Yay for me.

On day four, I was a bit taken aback to find that he had repositioned himself over my shower. Suddenly he was the unwelcome settler in my little porcelain Gaza strip. I showered uneasily, never taking my eyes off of him and almost hurling myself bodily out of the tub when he appeared to stumble at one point. Great. Nothing like being naked with a clumsy spider lurching around over your head.

But we made it through without incident. Wow. I was really getting good at this whole compassionate abiding thing.

The next morning, as I pulled back the shower curtain and my eyes traveled up to the ceiling…

(Insert here: screeching violin theme from Psycho)

… I saw two spiders. Or, really, the desiccated remains of one spider and another spider standing fatly over them.

(Skree! Skree! Skree! Skree!!!!)

Now I know as well as the next person that female spiders mate and then kill and eat the males. Or something. So either my spider had just had his innards sucked out of him or he was a she who was now joyously expecting the patter of a squillion little feet.

It didn’t matter. I had come so far.

I grabbed a broom and squashed her all by myself.

Ain't gonna be no egg sack, byotch... Ain't gonna be no egg sack.


liv said...

oh. my. gawd. OMEGA!!!!!!!!

dude. further proof that we are the same person. stop posting immediately.

never let a spider enjoy life in your home. i once was bitten in the night by one of the little fuckers and ended up with this crazy, puss filled cone of a bite.

let no spider live.

Matt Bell said...

Once, after a visit to see J in the Deep South, I returned to England with a spider bite on my right thigh. I showed this off at work "Look. A spider bite!". Then someone told me that some spiders actually lay thier eggs under your skin, to later burst out 'Aliens' style in their millions. I went to see the doctor, and frantically told her my story. She looked over the top of her glasses, and said witheringly "Bollocks. It's an old wives tale. Pull your pants up." I felt soooo small.

furiousBall said...

seriously, once one of those bastards makes itself all cozy in your home, you know he's just gonna start texting all his buddies to come hang out, next thing you know there's an earwig burrowing into your brain.

Oh, The Joys said...

I hate the spiders too.

But this (and the comments) made me laugh.

fooped said...


Have we ever been seen together? Coincidence?? I think not.



jakelliesmom said...

Please, please don't get me started on the spiders. We have the black widows in our garage, and THEY DO NOT SCARE ME, not even a little bit, not even when I try to tell my kids about Charlotte's Web, scooch them inside, then handle her with the back of my shoe.

Glad you found me. I'll be reading more of yours.


bzybead said...

well, i don't mind the spiders so much. . . when I returned from Bali, there was indeed a growing spider bite that got all oooozzzzy and grew to the size of a quarter and itched like a swarm of red ants on your toes. When I went to see the doctor, he wrote a prescription for 2 weeks of antibiotics and stated to the resident, "We aren't going to touch that because you really don't know what it is from a rainforest. . . there could be eggs in there." So, what doctor is telling the truth MBell? I like to tell the story of "once I had a spider lay eggs in my leg". It was G-R-O-S-S.

fooped said...

Oh YES BZBEAD. Oh DO tell the story about your subdermal Indonesian mud-bath eggs. Don't leave out the part about how you sent me a gift certificate for the very same mud- bath in the very same little Indonesian resort. Ah yes, that was sooo relaxing. ("Ack! What was that?? Was that something swimming in there?? My skin feels itchy...")

Friends that host together are the most together.

bzybead said...

you can thank Judi for those mud-bath fears. how many times do I have to tell you that it wasn't the mud-baths! JEEZ. . .

fooped said...


Of course it was Judi! If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

kittenpie said...

I can't even talk about spiders.
They have plots - evil plots.
They may not be permitted to live indoors, or they may yet come to fruition.

(And I'm so glad I'm not the only one who is crazy like this!)

Also, thanks for stopping by and saying hi. I am hanging on tight, waiting for the ride to end!

Andie D. said...

Good on you for whacking the little effer! And really, for living with one for so long. You're a braver soul than I.

Andie D. said...

P.S. I can't stop playing with the slogan generator. I put the word "fucker" in there and I am laughing out loud!

I need to grow up.